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Of Hips and Hisses by *Miseria-Cantare:iconMiseria-Cantare:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Fixed


I sleep like a child,
though you hold me, still,
ignoring the fetal aggravation
of my bare back, the ridges of my spine.

Though you hold me still,
I shudder like the thunderstorm—
my bare back, you rigid against my spine.
Trembling, trembling, electricity in my bones.

I shudder. Like the thunderstorm
of hips and hisses, the mattress is
trembling, trembling. Electricity in my bones
sparks there by your wet touch.

Of hips and hisses, the mattress is!
It is the grave of anger, that baptism of sighs
sparked there by your wet touch
so I sleep like a child.
©2009 *Miseria-Cantare
:iconmiseria-cantare:

Author's Comments

My third pantoum (though I have only posted two). This time I really tried to keep the repition pure (though I've never been a slave to form), and manipulate it by use of breaks and punctuation, etc, as is encouraged when using the form. I think by the third stanza especially, the poem really takes advantage of the unique pantoum structure to further the meaning of the piece.
Enjoy!

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:iconlotuskid:
~lotuskid Jul 2, 2009, 2:16:39 AM
ooooohhh.. I like it alot. You really did improve the form on this one. I now see it's power and what draws you to it so much. You really make this one work in all dimensions. Though I think it's more of the
Though you hold me still,
I shudder like the thunderstorm—
that really shows your prowess. The next stanza is still powerful, but I disagree with you in thinking it's the keystone of the piece.
but really as a true friend I have to say you can still fine tune the method more. You definitely made a great stride in this one, and I think mainly it's so complete because it's so compact (ya, short can be good too...) but the repeats and sources could use some cleaning.
Still, excellent progress.

--
saliva always tastes
different depending on who's
mouth it comes from - Lotuskid

Though you hold me still,
I shudder like the thunderstorm— Miseria-Cantare
:iconlotuskid:
~lotuskid Jul 2, 2009, 2:17:24 AM
btw.... Though you hold me still,
I shudder like the thunderstorm— is getting quoted in my siggy

--
saliva always tastes
different depending on who's
mouth it comes from - Lotuskid

Though you hold me still,
I shudder like the thunderstorm— Miseria-Cantare
:iconmiseria-cantare:
*Miseria-Cantare Jul 2, 2009, 7:41:15 AM
:heart:

--
In the place where long grass opens, the girl who waited to be loved and cry shame erupts into her separate parts, to make it easy for the chewing laughter to swallow her away.
-Beloved, Toni Morrison
:iconmiseria-cantare:
*Miseria-Cantare Jul 2, 2009, 7:42:29 AM
Thank you, my dear. Yes, it's true I am still learning, but improving too! and that's what counts :)

--
In the place where long grass opens, the girl who waited to be loved and cry shame erupts into her separate parts, to make it easy for the chewing laughter to swallow her away.
-Beloved, Toni Morrison
:iconmiseria-cantare:
*Miseria-Cantare Jul 2, 2009, 7:42:44 AM
I could not be more honored hehe :D

--
In the place where long grass opens, the girl who waited to be loved and cry shame erupts into her separate parts, to make it easy for the chewing laughter to swallow her away.
-Beloved, Toni Morrison
:iconlotuskid:
~lotuskid Jul 2, 2009, 1:46:10 PM
:hug:

--
saliva always tastes
different depending on who's
mouth it comes from - Lotuskid

Though you hold me still,
I shudder like the thunderstorm— Miseria-Cantare
:iconlotuskid:
~lotuskid Jul 2, 2009, 1:46:42 PM
very much so! bravo, and keep at it! :clap:

--
saliva always tastes
different depending on who's
mouth it comes from - Lotuskid

Though you hold me still,
I shudder like the thunderstorm— Miseria-Cantare
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